Here is Why I Chose a Celebration of Life Service for My Mom's Passing
Bucking tradition to make way for new ways of grieving.
Prior to my mom’s passing in October of 2021, my mom and I didn’t discuss how she wanted her death to be memorialized, and it was never put in her will. I knew that I would have to figure it out mostly by myself though because my father passed in 2002 and I am an only child. The times I would try to discuss it with her she would tell me to talk to my cousin and figure things out, which was a very vague and unacceptable answer in my book, but usually I would leave it at that because discussing funeral arrangements for a hypothetical death is kind of uncomfortable. I loved my mom very much, and the thought alone of losing her AND having to a plan a service for her, was such that I didn’t think I could handle any of it. I could and I did end up handling everything, because I had to, but I also had help.
Also, I hate funerals. I know, it’s totally a surprise, right? Even the word funeral ironically has the word “fun” in it. I’m writing this because I want people to know there are other options for celebrating someone’s passing other than a funner than fun, but not funny, funeral- and that it’s OKAY to not do it the way it’s always been done. Intention is everything.
So, here’s why I chose a celebration of life service and how I went about it.
Time to Figure Things Out and Process
Planning a celebration of life service was possible because my mom was cremated. She did have cremation services in place before her passing, so that did make some things easier. So, I understand that many funerals happen because a freshly deceased body means that a burial needs to happen ASAP. But the beauty of cremation is that it gives one time to make arrangements for a service. I feel like, as soon as someone passes, there is great pressure to have everything figured out and make big decisions during one of, if not the most, stressful and sad time of anyone’s life. A celebration of life service gave me time to process my mom’s passing. My mom passed away in October and I had the service right before Christmas on December 16th, 2021, which gave me 2 months to get things together.
Pressure Be Gone
I ended up hiring an event planner who specializes in celebration of life services. I didn’t hire just anyone, I hired someone who I felt would be a great fit, someone I could vibe well with and who would understand my needs and concerns. As soon as I hired her, there was a relief of pressure- I didn’t need to do everything on my own, I had someone who would help me find a venue, caterer, decorations, and spiritual speaker. There was so much pressure off of me, and while actively grieving and processing, anything that takes the burden off is a huge blessing.
Comfort
Funerals feel so constrictive to me. As I mentioned, I hate funerals. I wanted people to feel they could dress in comfortable clothing and not feel this pressure to dress in formal black clothing. It’s like, okay, we are all grieving and now I have to shove on some clothes I absolutely hate wearing to go to a somber event- so much fun. Or, I don’t have anything to wear and now have the added pressure of finding just the right clothes so that I can dress appropriately. I’m not saying to show up to a memorial in jorts and a tank top (it was December when we had this service, so that was an impossibility anyway), but I think that clothes should be the least of anyone’s concern on a day in which celebrating someone’s passing. Cry and be comfortable, forget about putting your spanx on.
Affordability
Straight up, funerals on average, cost more than putting together a celebration of life service, especially since a celebration of life service can occur in a home space, if desired, which takes the cost significantly down. Here, you are able to set a budget and stick to it, YOUR WAY.
The Special Touches
There was so much that I wanted to do for her celebration of life service, but I think that it went as perfectly as it could, imperfectly and still beautiful. I chose center pieces with pink and white flowers that she would have loved, with butterfly candles (she adored butterflies) as take-home memorial favors that also served as a candle vigil in her honor during the service. I carefully selected photos that showed her true beauty to display at the front of the room, as well as some photos she probably would have slapped me for, like the photo in which she’s wearing my dad’s werewolf mask for Halloween (I’m sure she slapped me from the other side several times for that one). I wanted photos that showed her silliness and playful side. I also put together a playlist of her favorite songs that played prior to service and during the meal, and offered to send a playlist link to those who wished to hear her favorite music. I also chose foods that she loved, and my best friend made her favorite dessert, red velvet cake with THE BEST cream cheese frosting. It was all of the things she loved and all of the people she loved (that’s the other thing, I was selective in who I invited). The service was very much HER, all about her and what she loved, and that’s what made it special.
Why Buck Tradition
Personally, I don’t want a funeral when I die and that was a huge factor in my decision. I don’t like funerals. Yes, I know it was about my mom and what she wanted, but hey, she left it up to me and never gave me specific instructions. I want people to celebrate my life and celebrate who I was and what I loved (there better be macaroni and cheese on the menu though or someone’s getting SUPER haunted),and do it while feeling comfortable while in an environment that’s pleasing, full of light, and hasn’t already had a million funerals in it previously. At this point there may be a very small select few who decide to celebrate the end of my life and that’s OKAY. But what I don’t want is people to stress over planning a memorial while they’re grieving my absence when I’m on the other side and probably happy AF to be there while figuring out how to haunt those I love.
The Other Side
I guess that’s the other thing, I would like it if the narrative about death actively changes, and we celebrate that someone crosses over. I know we don’t all believe in life after death, but many of us do, and this is one life of many. During the service, an aunt of mine openly discussed how my mom came through and held her hand to let her know that she’s okay. It seems as if an open discussion like that during a funeral is probably not looked at as appropriate, but for me, that was one of the most outstanding parts of the celebration of life service. Obviously, I don’t know for sure there is life after death, but I have a pretty good notion that there is an “other side”. I’ve talked to dead people, and I frequently talk to my mom, but that is for another story. I honor the fact that this was one beautiful lifetime for my mom in a series of many, one of which we have spent together in all its messiness and beauty, and I celebrate her leaving behind the body she came into. My mom physically and mentally suffered a great deal the years leading up to her passing, and so, in many ways her death was a huge releasing of pain. I honor and celebrate the fact she is no longer suffering, that she is back in the ethers and free as a bird.
